22: travelling and searching.

last night there were only around 7 - 8 of us on the bus, and throughout most of our travel this bus conductor kept on checking under the seats for something. I was almost tempted to ask him what the problem was until I heard him tell the bus driver that he really has lost his pen. a minute later he resumed searching. even after we left the bus i think he continued to look under every seat.

if only i had my pencil case with me i would've made someone happy.

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21: the dogs

I was harassed by a small peer of dogs on my way home tonight, literally.
As I was walking down our main street I saw them from afar, around seven or eight adult dogs, and they surrounded another white canine with the collar, perhaps a new one. They were all barking out loud I can hear them even with my headphones on.

So there I was, passing them by. I could've sworn I saw the expression of relief the bullied dog had as he/she ran away.

Oh it's my turn to be bullied.

Like what they did to the white one, they surrounded me and followed me, all the time barking. Thank heavens I had my headphones on, ignoring them was much easier. And hey now I believe that not maintaining eye contact with aggressive dogs do work in such situations. after several yards they gave up and left me.

hmm now i wonder what they were all barking at me for.
"bakitngayonkalang?/ saan ka galing?/ may dala ka bang pagkain? /may naaamoy akong pagkain!/ may buto ka ba may buto ka ba?/ taga dito ka ba?/ anong problema mo?/ hoy tumingin ka sa akin!"
or maybe they were all nice dogs after all.
"laro tayo! laro tayo! laro tayo! laro tayo! laro tayo! laro tayo! laro tayo! laro tayo! laro tayo! laro tayo! laro tayo! laro tayo! laro tayo!"

not.
===


i'm badly missing a lot of people these days.
Some i dont see because of crazy work schedules, while some I deliberately chose to distance myself from for now.

Hey you.
This is me in my most complicated moment.
I know most of the time I overthink overfeel overdream things.

I just want you to know that i'm still here.
Hey you.
this is the part where I ask you to never let me go.

20: the one about haircuts and backing off.

I've had my hair cut extremely short again last sunday.
Weird, nobody in the office recalls me sporting the same haircut months ago. hence the jeers/taunts upon seeing me, as if I've never had it before. If I remember correctly, it was even shorter the last time.

===

What do you do when those days reach you - you sink in with the crowd, but feel the connection with the people that matter to you slowly dissolve, or you begin to doubt that there ever was a connection? maybe it was just you being excited about the possibilities of finding a kindred spirit, what do you do then?

You back off a bit, pick up your headphones, and play some heavy Switchfoot music. And ride your own wave.

Hold your own, know your name, go your own way.

19:about something that is meant specifically for you.

yesterday M was having a hard time describing to me what she saw on the pavement when she left her office. She said that it was around the time of the magic hour (5;30-6:00pm) and how the setting sun hit the red side of the pavement and how it seemed to glow in a straight line.. or something. I laughed at her expressions and frustration. I just told her that perhaps it was meant only for her; that's why I can't imagine it or even share her awe based on her descriptions. If that beautiful afternoon is meant for me too, I'll chance upon it one time or another when I pass by that road to greenbelt around the same time.

Maybe there are things meant specifically for one person. But secretly I wish I'd see that beautiful afternoon too.

18: when i came home from the company outing

Just got home from the company’s 3 day outing. I met the sea again.

I badly wanted to throw rocks at the sea all day but I decided to stop after around my 10^th because there were people with me. Whisper a secret or a rant to a rock and throw it out to sea with all your strength. I’ve been doing this for sometime now, and it does help me.

I walked the whole shore line, looking down at the many little stones washed ashore, pretending to hear some stones crying out to me “please take me back home” and picking them up and throwing them back to sea. Fly away home, stone!

We did a little exploration of the area and found an unfinished home full of ceramic tile collages on the rooftop. That will be one of the highlights of my stay there. We were there on the rooftop, surrounded by wonderful tile art, and the sun was setting and everything was quiet. we had a good view of the sea, a gentle wind came every now and them and we were all in awe of the place. I want to have a rooftop like that in my lifetime.

Floated all afternoon on the pool staring at the clouds, and tried my best to remember how it feels like being weightless. Melt them thoughts and worries away.

---

About that bond. (and I have no idea if you would understand what I’m trying to say here.)

I have to admit that I was looking for a certain conversation I later realized you won’t find in a large group. That one where you just spontaneously spill out your thoughts about things about many many things and you feel that you really are connecting with the person you are sharing your conversation with.

I’ve had such conversations only with M and a very few people. Maybe that’s what they call kindred spirits.

Well I had a few of such conversations, but somehow I was secretly wishing that such conversations lasted a whole afternoon or a whole night.

Kindred spirits. Is that what we really have? Or do we really even have it?

----

I badly miss you M.

017: flash bang

a neighbor decided to install this motion activated spotlight in front of their gate. everytime i come home late at night i pass this spot and i'm flooded by a very bright lamp for about 3 seconds then it automatically turns off again. so for the past several nights i walk several yards and reach our gate still half blind from that enormous lamp.

if my life is a stealth video game, all you have to do is find a good spot, wait for that spotlight to trip off and shut down again, then voila you have one blinded opponent you can make a move on.

016: ohmayhigad

aaminin ko na ang nilu-look forward ko tuwing nakakatakbo ako sa umaga ay yung pag magpapahinga na ako sa ilalim ng puno. tagaktak ang pawis habang nakikinig ng Up Dharma Down o Dishwalla o Switchfoot. Yung tipong unting hangin lang ramdam na ramdam mo dahil nga sa pawis mo. Tapos ramdam na ramdam mo yung pagkakaiba ng nasa lilim ka na kesa yung kaninang naaarawan ka.

Pero kanina may kasama akong apat na higad.

Sa ngayoooon, hindi pa naman ako nangangati. Wah may presentation pa naman ako mamaya.

Katihin na ako sa hipon wag lang sa higad.

Oh my hipon.

015:

014: happiness and the long way back home via bus

On my way home tonight I noticed a small girl sitting on the other side of the bus smiling all throughout our long trip.

She had this smile mmm maybe like that of a child watching a funny cartoon on the tv - wide eyes, careless smile and all. Perhaps she really was just enjoying that bus trip along edsa on a late rainy night, but she had such an intoxicating smile I can't help but smile myself as I left the bus.

I wish I could keep all my happy memories in a bottle so that I can open it up when I need them the most.
- Allan, Martial Law Babies (Arnold Arre)

Maybe finding happiness in the tiniest detail of everyday life really does make a difference.

Sometimes there are things, moments you find peculiarly special to you, although no matter how you try to describe it to other people they just won't get it.

Maybe it's the song that played randomly as the cold typhoon rain brushed your face, or that shared grocery basket, or maybe that unexpected pat on the back before you go home - the reason behind doesnt really matter, but the fact that at that precise moment you can't help but smile - you really should write that down.

Happy fleeting moments - where do they go when they're forgotten?

Maybe I really should learn to smile more - yellow teeth, wrinkled eyes, and all.

=========

In ooooother news I still have to stay up late because I have to finish something I promised for a friend. It's a good thing the workload tomorrow is not that heavy though I still have to be there at the office by 10am. Ok its a doodle for someone special who's gone away and I sincerely hope I honor her memory.

I need some good music to keep me up until around 4am. hmmmmmm Dave Matthews I choose you!